Thanksgiving

I've been avoiding this post for a few days because I thought it would be a hard one.  This past Thursday, the 25th, which happened to be Thanksgiving, would have been Jeff's 28th birthday, and I don't think anyone of us knew how we were going to feel that day.  I was hosting some family and friends for dinner, and was able to stay pretty busy throughout the day.  I heard from my siblings and my mom and we were all holding together fairly well, I'd say.  It was strangely coincidental that Jeff's 28th birthday fell on Thanksgiving day, as he happened to be born on Thanksgiving, as well.  Jim and I can recall with great clarity that Thanksgiving meal, dry turkey and all, when Casey and Katie were so little and Phil was racing around trying to find a place where we could eat the holiday meal.  I remember our dad's crazy happy smile that day, and how excited I was to have another little brother.

I woke up this year on Thanksgiving day on the heels of a dream in which I dreamed that my 2 year old had passed away.  I spent the whole dream chasing after her, imagining her to be just around the corner from me, and I was unable to get my hands on her, and to hug her close to me.  In the dream, she was the youngest of my five kids.  In real life, I only have 3 children; my mom has 5.  It took me a few minutes upon waking to understand how deeply heartbreaking it must be for her each day she wakes up to realize that her child is gone.  And it made me want to get my hands on my children and keep them close.

After Jeff passed away, a good friend gave me a great piece of advice in saying, "Sometimes people are meant to deliver the message, and sometimes, they are the message."  I often think of this bit of wisdom, and understand that the loss of Jeff is a strong exercise is practicing Thanksgiving on a daily scale--to pay attention to our blessings each day and recognize that having each other is what life is all about.

Jeff's niece, my magical and slightly sassy 5 year old daughter, came up with a great way to honor Jeff for his birthday.  She said, "Why don't we get a balloon and write happy birthday Uncle Jeff and then send it up to heaven?"  I put her in charge of going with her grandmother to the store while I was making Thanksgiving dinner, and she came home with a colorful birthday balloon.  Later that night, after our guests went home, she and I stood outside our front steps and sent a message with that balloon up to Jeff, telling him that we miss him and love him.  As her little fingers let it go, I watched the balloon rise up into the night and wished him peace and love.

Sending peace and love to you, too.  And great thanks that you are part of this project.